The Difference Between Grief and Suffering

The past few months have been a profound journey of reflection and emotion for me. My mother’s recent passing, after a long battle with Alzheimer’s, has brought me face to face with the intricacies of grief and suffering. As I navigated through her illness and eventually her death, I found myself contemplating the difference between these two deeply human experiences.

Grief is a natural response to loss. It’s the ache in your chest when you realize that someone you love is no longer here to share your life. Grief comes in waves, sometimes crashing over you with overwhelming intensity, and other times receding to a dull, persistent throb. It’s the memories that flood your mind, the tears that fall unexpectedly, and the moments of quiet reflection. It wants to talk to them, hug them, or be in their presence one more time. Grief, though painful, is a testament to the love and connection we shared with the person who is gone. It’s a process of honoring that bond and slowly finding a way to live without them.

Suffering, on the other hand, is more insidious. It’s the prolonged, often unnecessary, torment we endure when we resist the reality of our loss. Suffering comes from the “what ifs,” the “if only,” and the relentless questioning of why things happened the way they did. It’s the self-imposed guilt, the regret, and the unending replaying of past events. Suffering suggests that something is wrong with God’s reality. Suffering keeps us trapped in a cycle of pain, preventing us from moving forward and healing.

As I cared for my mom during her illness, I experienced both grief and suffering. Watching her fade away, losing pieces of her each day, was heartbreaking. I grieved the loss of the vibrant, strong woman she once was. I grieved the memories we would never make and the conversations we would never have. But there were also moments of suffering—times when I questioned my decisions, doubted my abilities as her caregiver, and tortured myself with thoughts of how things should have been different. How could this happen to my sweet mom?

What helped me navigate through this challenging time was recognizing the distinction between grief and suffering. I allowed myself to grieve, to feel the pain of loss, and to honor my mother’s memory. I miss her so much, it is a physical pain. But I also make a conscious effort to let go of the suffering. I remind myself that I did the best I could with the knowledge and resources I had. Suffering does a disservice to me and my caregiving and to Mama and her abiding faith. I chose to focus on the love and care I gave her rather than the moments of doubt and regret.

In the end, grief and suffering are both part of the human experience. We can’t avoid grief—it’s a natural and necessary response to loss. But we can choose to minimize our suffering by accepting the reality of our loss and being kind to ourselves. By doing so, we allow ourselves to heal and to find peace amid the pain.

To anyone who is grieving, I want to say this: Allow yourself to feel sadness, to mourn your loss, and to honor the person who is no longer with you. Miss them. But don’t let toxic suffering take hold of you. Be gentle with yourself, forgive yourself for any perceived shortcomings, and remember that you are doing the best you can. Be patient. Grief takes time. Trust that with each passing day, the waves of grief will become a little more manageable, and you will find your way back to the light.