Telling Myself No: The Battle with My Inner Toddler

We often discuss the importance of setting boundaries and saying no to others. We advocate for protecting our time, energy, and mental peace from external demands. But why is it so difficult? In my experience, the real struggle isn’t with saying no to others—it’s with saying no to myself.

A part of me wants what she wants when she wants it. And she will not take no for an answer. If I deny her, she whines and throws a fit; eventually, if I’m not vigilant, she wins. Lately, I’ve been practicing saying no to myself, and it has been a fascinating exercise in self-awareness. I had no idea how difficult it would be. It’s as if I have a spoiled, stubborn toddler in my brain, hijacking my attention and leading me straight into old, self-defeating habits.

The Process: An Experiment in Self-Control

Take, for example, my decision to stop watching cute animal videos online. Yes, they’re adorable. Yes, I love animals. But, let’s be honest—it’s a complete waste of time. So, I tell myself no. Hours later, I find myself mindlessly scrolling through cat videos. How did this happen? Didn’t I tell myself no? I’m an adult woman; why can’t I control my actions?

This same pattern repeats itself in other areas of my life—whether it’s with food, money, or commitments. It’s as though my inner toddler exploits my unconscious moments, slipping past my resolve and sabotaging my best intentions. This struggle extends far beyond cat videos. It affects my choices regarding food, spending, time management, and even my ability to decline unnecessary obligations.

Societal Implications When Saying No

And if I can’t enforce my own boundaries, how can I accept external ones? I’ve come to recognize the cognitive dissonance I experience when life tells me no to something I deeply desire. That discomfort stems from my inability to enforce my personal boundaries—so why should external no's be any different? What fascinates me is how much resistance people show when faced with rejection or denial.

The fallout from cognitive dissonance can be ugly. Some businesses even train their employees to avoid telling customers no and to avoid adverse reactions from customers. This reinforces a culture where we expect to get what we want. When we are denied something, it can feel like mistreatment rather than a simple boundary. Over time, I’ve come to realize that our difficulty in hearing no from others is deeply tied to our inability to say no to ourselves. We react just as children do when told they can’t have candy—frustrated, upset, and sometimes even rebellious.

The Whining Mind: How Our Inner Child Manipulates Us

Here’s the thing about saying no to myself: my mind doesn’t just accept it. It nags. It whines. It throws a tantrum. It’s the equivalent of a two-year-old screaming for candy in the grocery store. And just like every exhausted parent who eventually hands over the candy to stop the scene, I often cave.

This is what marketers count on. They know exactly how to trigger my unconscious self, guiding my attention toward what they want me to buy, click, or consume. That’s why awareness of this process is so important—I want to be the one directing my focus, not allowing marketing metrics to do it for me.

Strategies for Training My Inner Toddler

So, how do I combat this? How do I train my inner two-year-old to respect my boundaries? Here’s what I’ve been working on:

1. Keeping My Goals Visible – I write them down and revisit them often. If I don’t have a clear reason for saying no, my inner toddler will convince me it doesn’t matter.

2. Planning – I default to old habits without a plan. I decide in advance what I will do when temptation strikes.

3. Setting Timers – I block time for high-risk activities, like social media, and set alarms to snap me out of unconscious scrolling.

4. Avoiding Triggers – Just as I wouldn’t walk down the candy aisle if I were trying to eat healthy, I avoid unnecessary exposure to things I know will test my willpower.

5. Practicing Awareness – I work on staying conscious of my choices, catching myself in the act before I slide into autopilot.

The Bigger Lesson: Accepting External No’s

The more I practice telling myself no, the easier it becomes to accept no from the world around me. I can hear rejection without spiraling into frustration. I can respect boundaries without resentment. My inner toddler is learning that not everything she wants is good for her or that her expectations will not be met, and that’s okay.

Ultimately, this process is about self-respect. I wouldn’t let a toddler plan my meals, spending, or time—so why should I let my inner two-year-old run my life? With patience and persistence, I’m learning to coexist with her in a way that serves both of us. Essentially, I identify with my inner adult, not my inner toddler. And when I, or life, tells me no? I can hold her hand, walk away, and move forward—no tantrums necessary.